Spartacorpse

Gay? I don't fucking think so.

Why go with "Spartacorpse" as the headline to announce the death of movie icon Tony Curtis? 'Cause it's short, it's pithy and it just works, dammit.

Yeah, we could've used "Some Like It Dead." That might have been a good way to let folks know that the veteran actor died today at the age of 85. But it just wasn't good enough.

Sure. If you'd seen a headline that said, "Yonder Lies the Casket of My Fadder," you'd have gotten the message that Jamie Lee Curtis's old man had kicked it. But it might not have done a good enough job rousing images of Lawrence Olivier trying to do Curtis in the keister.

No, no. Spartacorpse is the only headline good enough for you, the players of DW2K10. Especially you, Crippler, the only player to score those 15 sweet, sweet points. Enjoy 'em.

Don't Let the Coffin Lid Hit You in the Ass on the Way Out

Adios, dickhead.

Congrats to Deady Money, You Die and The Oracle for their 20 point score.

Thank You for Being a Corpse

The Golden Girl Curse claimed another victim last week as actress Rue McClanahan died at the age of 76. McClanahan, who played Blanche, the "slutty senior citizen"--*shudder*--died under mysterious circumstances, leading many to believe that she may have been the victim of a maniacal Betty White. White, it's been said, is crazy, strong and has a hard-on for offing former castmates. "I will be the last Golden Girl," White is quoted as saying, "and all of their life energy will keep me young eternally! [Maniacal laughter]"

Whatever the actual cause of McClanahan's death, Irish Car Bomb, Talking Deads and The Grim Reaper all collect the 24 points from her passing.

Frank Booth Enjoys a Pabst Blue Ribbon in Heaven

Charming rogue Frank Booth has died. He was 74. The beloved codger, known for such things as carrying around a tank of nitros oxide and kidnapping children to force their mothers to service him sexually, passed away after a battle with prostate cancer.

Close friend Jeffrey Beaumont was quoted as saying, "Why [can't there be more people] like Frank?"

Friends are remembering Mr. Booth as a man who appreciated the music of Roy Orbison as interpreted by pasty, effeminate singers and who was always ready with a quip, like, "Shit, yes, pour the fuckin' beer!"

Mr. Booth sometimes went by the name Dennis Hopper and was a DW2K10 selection of just about everybody except for that moron The Shadow. *sigh*

What You Talkin' 'Bout, Reaper?

Former child star and walking cautionary tale Gary Coleman has died at the age of 42, apparently of shame after one embarrassing TMZ headline after another. Seriously, after a joke campaign for governor of California, an arrest for, let's say, felonious has-beenery and all the other pathetic reasons the former Arnold Drummond has been thrust into the tabloid spotlight over the last decade, I'd say Mr. Coleman deserves this rest. But, just for shits and giggles, let's send a few zingers into the after-life with him.

• Gary Coleman, whose life was as short...as Gary Coleman.
• The Diff'rent Strokes curse has detractors of Charlotte Rae feverishly excited.
  
• A family spokesperson says that Mr. Coleman will be buried in a shoebox out back.
• Mr. Coleman's death, it is being reported, was actually a misguided effort to jumpstart a sequel to The Heavenly Kid.
• A source at the funeral home confirms that Todd Bridges will be killed and buried with Mr. Coleman.

Mr. Coleman's death nets 58 glorious points for Wednesday, Raszul, Messenger of Death, Irish Car Bomb and Serpent at the Gates of Wisdom.

NBC Cancels "Father Murphy" PERMANENTLY

NFL player-turned-actor Merlin Olsen died today at 69, from mesothelioma given to him by NBC's asbestos.  Nice work, NBC. As if getting rid of Conan didn't make you look bad enough.  At least Conan can come back on another network.

Look, Olsen was a stud: he knocked out 15 Hall of Fame seasons (14 of them All-Pro) without missing a game.  Retired and bored, Merlin figured, "I can handle a feeble 'acting' gig on Little House on the Prairie--how could THAT end in my eternal undoing?"   What were you doing, NBC?  Feeding the Little House cast insulation sandwiches with a side order of floor tile cobbler?   Or was the 'Prairie' really an abandoned nuclear waste disposal site?  Hope you like u235, Melissa Gilbert!   If you think it's a coincidence that Michael Landon is also hitchhiking his way up the Highway to Heaven, think again.

Let's review:  Merlin Olsen, AWESOME.  NBC: Shit-eating douches.

The Crippler and Irish Car Bomb both score 31 points. This is Irish Car Bomb's debut score in her first year with DeathWatch, so congratulations, ICB!  Leno blows juvenile goats.

Deadest Catch

And BAM!

Right out of the gate, Death by Creamy Liquid scores a nice 47 points by having his finger on the non-existent pulse of reality TV.

Captain Phil Harris, who was apparently a man who was famous for catching crabs, has died of a stroke at the too-young age of 53. Truly a tragedy for his family and to all the fans of his show.

But let us not dwell on the negative. Let us celebrate that Death by Creamy Liquid has an amazing score one week into the game. Good job! Oh, and our condolences to the dead guy's family and all.