Father Dowling's History

Sunday, Monday: Bosley's dead.
Tuesday, Wednesday: He's still dead.
Thursday, Friday:  Dead, dead, dead.
Saturday, there's decay, bury this bastard soon!

Veteran actor Tom Bosley passed away today at the age of 83.  Despite former castmate Henry Winkler's multiple resuscitation attempts (measured chest raps preceeded by kunckle blowing), Bosley was unable to be revived. It turns out that lung cancer is a little trickier to fix than a flaky jukebox.

The fatherly advice-dispensing "Mr. C." to an entire generation of Happy Days fans, Bosley labored heavily as straight man and moral compass to an entire cast of wannabe comedians.  In the years after Happy Days, Bosley would push his acting range to the limit, playing the titular role of Father Francis Dowling in the thriller The Father Dowling Mysteries.  Bosley, a Jewish man, once claimed that he considered dabbling in pederasty to help him prepare for his role as a crime-solving Catholic priest.  Show producers credited The Boz with the idea of giving Dowling a street-smart nun sidekick with a man's name.  The electric on-screen combination would turn out to be television gold.

As Bosley himself "goes upstairs," perhaps one of the greatest mysteries of life will finally be solved: what REALLY happened to his disappearing on-screen son, Chuck Cunningham?  On the topic of his on-screen family, Bosley's last words, spoken in a telephone interview this morning, were, "Erin Moran is batshit crazy."*

The consummate pitchman to the end, Bosley will fulfill his contract with Proctor & Gamble by having his remains interred in a puncture-proof 45-gallon Glad ForceFlex(TM) Contractor Bag.

No happy days for DeathWatchers as they were unable to predict Bosley's life "jumping the shark" this year.  Even with the help of Sister Steve, they still would have found themselves missing out on this 17 point clue.

*He may not have really said this. But seriously, she's crazy.  Like certifiable!

Splendid American

Cartoonist Harvey Pekar died today at the age of 70. No DW2K10 players had him on their lists and he was far too awesome to make fun of. The latest shitty thing to happen to Cleveland.

The Grim Reaper "Smokes a Bol"

Manute Bol, NBA basketball shot blocker and tireless advocate for the Sudan has died at an estimated 47 years old, from a rare and brutal skin condition.   Bol, pictured here with diminutive teammate Muggsy Bogues, was born to a Sudanese tribe, and legend has it, had once killed a lion with a spear!  Bol's first passport photo listed him at 5'7", not 7'7", because he was measured sitting down.  (This still made him 4 inches taller than Bogues.)

Billy Crystal could not be reached for comment.  Crystal, who filmed the cinematic blockbuster "My Giant" with Gheorghe Mureşan, had big plans for Bol's legendary anatomy.  Crystal was in talks to exploit Bol's ridiculous size AND country in the upcoming comedy/action sequel, "My Giant, Too:  Darfurious" 


None of our DeathWatchers chose the intrepid dead bushman, and 53 points go unclaimed.

Believe It Or Not, I'm Falling Down Stairs

  

Veteran actor Robert Culp apparently did not own a LifeCall system, as he fell, and then never got up.

Culp was famous to a lot of our readers' parents as Kelly Robinson, the half of the 1960s  I Die I Spy duo that wasn't Bill Cosby. To most DeathWatchers, though, Culp was known as the tough-as-nails FBI Agent Bill Maxwell on the cult classic television series The Greatest American Hero.

Yes, looking back, Culp's co-star, William Katt, looks like a ridiculous jackass with his stupid hair and his impossibly feeble physique.  But the retrospective isn't all bad--my man Culp was a timeless badass.  The kind of guy who it would take an army to bring down.  The kind of guy who wouldn't go down without a--tripping...in...his...home...*sigh*

No DeathWatchers predicted the accidental passing of the 5-times-married 79-year-old.

Get Outta My Dreams (Get Into My Coffin)

Actor Corey Haim finally passed his 'dying test' this morning, after decades of practice overdoses finally prepared him for the real thing.  Haim and his seemingly interchangeable eight-time co-star, Corey Feldman, met on the set of Lost Boys.  They scored some blow, partied to True Hollywood Story proportions, and released a couple of other "comedies" in theaters before their fame started to wane.  There was no quit in these two, though.  And by 'no quit,' I mean that neither of them wanted to have to actually work for a living.  Haim and Feldman parlayed their brief celebrity into two decades of releasing quality straight-to-video productions like Blown Away and Last Resort.  In recent years, the substance-abusing friends tried to turn their spectacular failures in life into a success with the production of the now inappropriately-named reality series, The Two Coreys, which has to be seen to be properly appreciated (read: train wreck).


A grieving Corey Feldman (if you're scoring at home--he's the dark-haired one who's still alive), reflected on the duo's recipe for box office success, saying, "We thundered onto the scene and commanded attention.  We were all like, 'Check THIS out--we're two guys, we're both the same age, we're both Jewish Americans, we're both actors, AND to top it off, we're BOTH named Corey!'  I mean, it's hilarious before we've even said word one of the script!  See, you're laughing already!  Then there's the whole 'Which Corey is which' bit...Face it, we were fucking amazing."

No Deathwatchers picked either of The Two Coreys, and missed out a juicy 62 points.  It's weird, because much like the punchline to any Haim/Feldman joke, who DIDN'T see this coming?

She's a Little Bit Country, He's a Little Bit "Drop and Roll."

OK, so Marie Osmond's son Michael isn't quite famous enough to have been picked for DW2010, but if he were, he'd have been worth 164 points for jumping off of his downtown Los Angeles apartment building. It's probably cruel to point this out, but we've all learned an important lesson: Magic Underwear is apparently not made of Flubber.

Kirk Cameron Despondent: "Boner in Jesus' Hands Now"

Kirk Cameron prayed as hard as he could this week, but still lost his Boner. Despite hours of thoughtful prayer to his alleged Almighty Creator, Cameron's Boner was found limp in a Vancouver park last week, though at this point, he is certainly stiff once again.

Troubled actor Andrew Koenig, who played Richard "Boner" Stabone on the 1980s sitcom Growing Pains committed suicide last week at the age of 41. Koenig's character was the best friend and partner-in-crime to Cameron's character, the happy-go-lucky troublemaker heartthrob, Mike Seaver. During production, the two became friends off-camera.

Cameron, when reached for comment, was distraught over losing his Boner, especially to suicide, which all good Born-Agains know means an eternity condemned to Hell. Kirk realized that a line had been crossed. "I had to put Jesus in front my Boner, it was the only position I was comfortable with," said Cameron, referring to prioritizing his relationship with the Lord. Cameron finally came--to the conclusion he could try to have it both ways: "It was hard, so I prayed, and Jesus finally welcomed my Boner into his warm embrace. I can almost feel Jesus tenderly stroking Boner right now, and telling him it will be O.K." Immediately following his statement, Cameron excused himself and sprinted to the nearest restroom, where he violently masturbated all over the book of Acts.

What made this loss even more tragic was that no DeathWatchers managed to pump this Boner for his 118 points.

 No holier-than-thou Christians were harmed in the writing of this post about a deceased Jewish actor.

(Apparently "boner" is a slang term for an erect penis. --Ed.)