Father Dowling's History

Sunday, Monday: Bosley's dead.
Tuesday, Wednesday: He's still dead.
Thursday, Friday:  Dead, dead, dead.
Saturday, there's decay, bury this bastard soon!

Veteran actor Tom Bosley passed away today at the age of 83.  Despite former castmate Henry Winkler's multiple resuscitation attempts (measured chest raps preceeded by kunckle blowing), Bosley was unable to be revived. It turns out that lung cancer is a little trickier to fix than a flaky jukebox.

The fatherly advice-dispensing "Mr. C." to an entire generation of Happy Days fans, Bosley labored heavily as straight man and moral compass to an entire cast of wannabe comedians.  In the years after Happy Days, Bosley would push his acting range to the limit, playing the titular role of Father Francis Dowling in the thriller The Father Dowling Mysteries.  Bosley, a Jewish man, once claimed that he considered dabbling in pederasty to help him prepare for his role as a crime-solving Catholic priest.  Show producers credited The Boz with the idea of giving Dowling a street-smart nun sidekick with a man's name.  The electric on-screen combination would turn out to be television gold.

As Bosley himself "goes upstairs," perhaps one of the greatest mysteries of life will finally be solved: what REALLY happened to his disappearing on-screen son, Chuck Cunningham?  On the topic of his on-screen family, Bosley's last words, spoken in a telephone interview this morning, were, "Erin Moran is batshit crazy."*

The consummate pitchman to the end, Bosley will fulfill his contract with Proctor & Gamble by having his remains interred in a puncture-proof 45-gallon Glad ForceFlex(TM) Contractor Bag.

No happy days for DeathWatchers as they were unable to predict Bosley's life "jumping the shark" this year.  Even with the help of Sister Steve, they still would have found themselves missing out on this 17 point clue.

*He may not have really said this. But seriously, she's crazy.  Like certifiable!

Spartacorpse

Gay? I don't fucking think so.

Why go with "Spartacorpse" as the headline to announce the death of movie icon Tony Curtis? 'Cause it's short, it's pithy and it just works, dammit.

Yeah, we could've used "Some Like It Dead." That might have been a good way to let folks know that the veteran actor died today at the age of 85. But it just wasn't good enough.

Sure. If you'd seen a headline that said, "Yonder Lies the Casket of My Fadder," you'd have gotten the message that Jamie Lee Curtis's old man had kicked it. But it might not have done a good enough job rousing images of Lawrence Olivier trying to do Curtis in the keister.

No, no. Spartacorpse is the only headline good enough for you, the players of DW2K10. Especially you, Crippler, the only player to score those 15 sweet, sweet points. Enjoy 'em.

Thank You for Being a Corpse

The Golden Girl Curse claimed another victim last week as actress Rue McClanahan died at the age of 76. McClanahan, who played Blanche, the "slutty senior citizen"--*shudder*--died under mysterious circumstances, leading many to believe that she may have been the victim of a maniacal Betty White. White, it's been said, is crazy, strong and has a hard-on for offing former castmates. "I will be the last Golden Girl," White is quoted as saying, "and all of their life energy will keep me young eternally! [Maniacal laughter]"

Whatever the actual cause of McClanahan's death, Irish Car Bomb, Talking Deads and The Grim Reaper all collect the 24 points from her passing.

Frank Booth Enjoys a Pabst Blue Ribbon in Heaven

Charming rogue Frank Booth has died. He was 74. The beloved codger, known for such things as carrying around a tank of nitros oxide and kidnapping children to force their mothers to service him sexually, passed away after a battle with prostate cancer.

Close friend Jeffrey Beaumont was quoted as saying, "Why [can't there be more people] like Frank?"

Friends are remembering Mr. Booth as a man who appreciated the music of Roy Orbison as interpreted by pasty, effeminate singers and who was always ready with a quip, like, "Shit, yes, pour the fuckin' beer!"

Mr. Booth sometimes went by the name Dennis Hopper and was a DW2K10 selection of just about everybody except for that moron The Shadow. *sigh*

What You Talkin' 'Bout, Reaper?

Former child star and walking cautionary tale Gary Coleman has died at the age of 42, apparently of shame after one embarrassing TMZ headline after another. Seriously, after a joke campaign for governor of California, an arrest for, let's say, felonious has-beenery and all the other pathetic reasons the former Arnold Drummond has been thrust into the tabloid spotlight over the last decade, I'd say Mr. Coleman deserves this rest. But, just for shits and giggles, let's send a few zingers into the after-life with him.

• Gary Coleman, whose life was as short...as Gary Coleman.
• The Diff'rent Strokes curse has detractors of Charlotte Rae feverishly excited.
  
• A family spokesperson says that Mr. Coleman will be buried in a shoebox out back.
• Mr. Coleman's death, it is being reported, was actually a misguided effort to jumpstart a sequel to The Heavenly Kid.
• A source at the funeral home confirms that Todd Bridges will be killed and buried with Mr. Coleman.

Mr. Coleman's death nets 58 glorious points for Wednesday, Raszul, Messenger of Death, Irish Car Bomb and Serpent at the Gates of Wisdom.

Believe It Or Not, I'm Falling Down Stairs

  

Veteran actor Robert Culp apparently did not own a LifeCall system, as he fell, and then never got up.

Culp was famous to a lot of our readers' parents as Kelly Robinson, the half of the 1960s  I Die I Spy duo that wasn't Bill Cosby. To most DeathWatchers, though, Culp was known as the tough-as-nails FBI Agent Bill Maxwell on the cult classic television series The Greatest American Hero.

Yes, looking back, Culp's co-star, William Katt, looks like a ridiculous jackass with his stupid hair and his impossibly feeble physique.  But the retrospective isn't all bad--my man Culp was a timeless badass.  The kind of guy who it would take an army to bring down.  The kind of guy who wouldn't go down without a--tripping...in...his...home...*sigh*

No DeathWatchers predicted the accidental passing of the 5-times-married 79-year-old.

NBC Cancels "Father Murphy" PERMANENTLY

NFL player-turned-actor Merlin Olsen died today at 69, from mesothelioma given to him by NBC's asbestos.  Nice work, NBC. As if getting rid of Conan didn't make you look bad enough.  At least Conan can come back on another network.

Look, Olsen was a stud: he knocked out 15 Hall of Fame seasons (14 of them All-Pro) without missing a game.  Retired and bored, Merlin figured, "I can handle a feeble 'acting' gig on Little House on the Prairie--how could THAT end in my eternal undoing?"   What were you doing, NBC?  Feeding the Little House cast insulation sandwiches with a side order of floor tile cobbler?   Or was the 'Prairie' really an abandoned nuclear waste disposal site?  Hope you like u235, Melissa Gilbert!   If you think it's a coincidence that Michael Landon is also hitchhiking his way up the Highway to Heaven, think again.

Let's review:  Merlin Olsen, AWESOME.  NBC: Shit-eating douches.

The Crippler and Irish Car Bomb both score 31 points. This is Irish Car Bomb's debut score in her first year with DeathWatch, so congratulations, ICB!  Leno blows juvenile goats.

Get Outta My Dreams (Get Into My Coffin)

Actor Corey Haim finally passed his 'dying test' this morning, after decades of practice overdoses finally prepared him for the real thing.  Haim and his seemingly interchangeable eight-time co-star, Corey Feldman, met on the set of Lost Boys.  They scored some blow, partied to True Hollywood Story proportions, and released a couple of other "comedies" in theaters before their fame started to wane.  There was no quit in these two, though.  And by 'no quit,' I mean that neither of them wanted to have to actually work for a living.  Haim and Feldman parlayed their brief celebrity into two decades of releasing quality straight-to-video productions like Blown Away and Last Resort.  In recent years, the substance-abusing friends tried to turn their spectacular failures in life into a success with the production of the now inappropriately-named reality series, The Two Coreys, which has to be seen to be properly appreciated (read: train wreck).


A grieving Corey Feldman (if you're scoring at home--he's the dark-haired one who's still alive), reflected on the duo's recipe for box office success, saying, "We thundered onto the scene and commanded attention.  We were all like, 'Check THIS out--we're two guys, we're both the same age, we're both Jewish Americans, we're both actors, AND to top it off, we're BOTH named Corey!'  I mean, it's hilarious before we've even said word one of the script!  See, you're laughing already!  Then there's the whole 'Which Corey is which' bit...Face it, we were fucking amazing."

No Deathwatchers picked either of The Two Coreys, and missed out a juicy 62 points.  It's weird, because much like the punchline to any Haim/Feldman joke, who DIDN'T see this coming?

Kirk Cameron Despondent: "Boner in Jesus' Hands Now"

Kirk Cameron prayed as hard as he could this week, but still lost his Boner. Despite hours of thoughtful prayer to his alleged Almighty Creator, Cameron's Boner was found limp in a Vancouver park last week, though at this point, he is certainly stiff once again.

Troubled actor Andrew Koenig, who played Richard "Boner" Stabone on the 1980s sitcom Growing Pains committed suicide last week at the age of 41. Koenig's character was the best friend and partner-in-crime to Cameron's character, the happy-go-lucky troublemaker heartthrob, Mike Seaver. During production, the two became friends off-camera.

Cameron, when reached for comment, was distraught over losing his Boner, especially to suicide, which all good Born-Agains know means an eternity condemned to Hell. Kirk realized that a line had been crossed. "I had to put Jesus in front my Boner, it was the only position I was comfortable with," said Cameron, referring to prioritizing his relationship with the Lord. Cameron finally came--to the conclusion he could try to have it both ways: "It was hard, so I prayed, and Jesus finally welcomed my Boner into his warm embrace. I can almost feel Jesus tenderly stroking Boner right now, and telling him it will be O.K." Immediately following his statement, Cameron excused himself and sprinted to the nearest restroom, where he violently masturbated all over the book of Acts.

What made this loss even more tragic was that no DeathWatchers managed to pump this Boner for his 118 points.

 No holier-than-thou Christians were harmed in the writing of this post about a deceased Jewish actor.

(Apparently "boner" is a slang term for an erect penis. --Ed.)