Kirk Cameron Despondent: "Boner in Jesus' Hands Now"

Kirk Cameron prayed as hard as he could this week, but still lost his Boner. Despite hours of thoughtful prayer to his alleged Almighty Creator, Cameron's Boner was found limp in a Vancouver park last week, though at this point, he is certainly stiff once again.

Troubled actor Andrew Koenig, who played Richard "Boner" Stabone on the 1980s sitcom Growing Pains committed suicide last week at the age of 41. Koenig's character was the best friend and partner-in-crime to Cameron's character, the happy-go-lucky troublemaker heartthrob, Mike Seaver. During production, the two became friends off-camera.

Cameron, when reached for comment, was distraught over losing his Boner, especially to suicide, which all good Born-Agains know means an eternity condemned to Hell. Kirk realized that a line had been crossed. "I had to put Jesus in front my Boner, it was the only position I was comfortable with," said Cameron, referring to prioritizing his relationship with the Lord. Cameron finally came--to the conclusion he could try to have it both ways: "It was hard, so I prayed, and Jesus finally welcomed my Boner into his warm embrace. I can almost feel Jesus tenderly stroking Boner right now, and telling him it will be O.K." Immediately following his statement, Cameron excused himself and sprinted to the nearest restroom, where he violently masturbated all over the book of Acts.

What made this loss even more tragic was that no DeathWatchers managed to pump this Boner for his 118 points.

 No holier-than-thou Christians were harmed in the writing of this post about a deceased Jewish actor.

(Apparently "boner" is a slang term for an erect penis. --Ed.)