The End of an Era: RIP, DeathWatch (2000-2011)

The popular celebrity death pool blog, DeathWatch, has passed away after a long bout with writer apathy.  The end had been a long time coming, but will still be painful to loyal readers.  For many years, DeathWatch was the source for celebrity death news.  "In our heyday, a celebrity just wasn't dead until we wrote about it." reminisced DeathWatch writer The Grim Reaper.  


Known for its witty headlines and its relentlessly scathing treatment of televangelists, the once-powerful DeathWatch finished with a whimper.  The final obituary of any length was written about actor Tom Bosley, way back in  October of 2010.  The 2010 contest is all but over, and the blog will be shuttered for good by mid-February.


Compiled herein is a list of reader favorites from the DW archives.   (Apologies, many image links have been broken over the years)
Some are entire stories, other are just headlines, but all were submitted by YOU, readers, as your favorites!
ENJOY, and thanks for reading!


2010
Andrew Koenig:  Kirk Cameron Despondent: Boner In Jesus' Hands Now
Tom Bosley:  Father Dowling's History
Rue McClanahan: Thank You For Being a Corpse
Robert Culp (headline):  Believe It or Not, I'm Falling Down Stairs
Dennis Hopper (headline):  Reeves and Bullock Vow to Keep Hopper's Hearse Above 50 MPH
Corey Haim:  Get Outta My Dreams (Get Into My Coffin)
Peter Graves (headline):  "Billy, do you like it when Scraps grabs onto the outside of your coffin and rubs up and down real hard?"


2009
George Michael: Sports Machine Shut Down Amid Radiation Fears
Oral Roberts:  God Receives Oral
Patrick Swayze:  Dirt Dancing
Ted Kennedy (headline):  Punk Band 'Dead Kennedys' Changes Name to 'Kennedys' in Redundancy Scare
John Hughes (headline):  John Hughes' Funeral Attended Mostly by Narrowly Defined Stereotypes
Karl Malden:  Don't Leave Earth Without It
David Carradine:  Hung Fu:  The Legend Ends
Dany Gans:  One Night Only!  DEAD in Las Vegas  (powerfully abrasive)


2008
Isaac Hayes & Bernie Mac 
Estelle Getty:  Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! DIE!
Charlton Heston (headline):  You Can Go Ahead and Take His Gun Now
Gary Gygax (headline): Gygax Fails Saving Throw Versus Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm 
Roy Schieder (headline):  You're Gonna Need a Bigger Coffin!


2007
Bobby Fischer:  Searching for Bobby Fischer?  Try Six Feet Underground
Ike Turner:  Maybe He Was Just Trying to Knock the Ugly Off of Her?
Evel Knievel:  Evel's Casket Modded....  (come for the story, stay for the COMMENTS!)
Mr. Whipple:  Please Don't Squeeze the Reaper!
Robert Goulet:  Goulet Finally Nails Death Scene
Bill Walsh (headline)  Bill Walsh Pioneers "Death Ghost Offense" Scheme
WWE's Chris Benoit:  Benoit Murder/Suicide Called "Best WWE Plot Twist Yet"
Bob Evans:  Dead on the Farm
Charles Nelson Reilly is BLANK
Boris Yeltsin (headline):  Boris Dies, Natasha Vows to Continue Hunt for Moose and Sqvirrel.
Don Ho (headline):  "Tiny Bubbles" Burst: Ho's Heart Follows Suit
Brad Delp (headline): Brad Delp, Lead Singer of '70s Band, Boston, Closes His Eyes, Slips Away


2006
Peter Tomarken (headline):  WHAMMY! Tomarken's Luck Pressed Beyond Limit
Yankees Cory Lidle:  Gravity Takes Cory Lidle Yard in Final At-Bat 




Nobody much remembers further back than that.  It's been a decent run.  Thanks for being a part of it.






DeathWatch is dead!  
Long live DeathWatch!










Bea Arthur had a penis.

CURRENT SCORES

(updated 02/02/11 (Liz Edwards, Jack LaLanne, Senator Robert Byrd)): 
 1.  Irish Car Bomb, The                      143
 2.  Deady Money                                  93
 3.  Wednesday                                      92
 4(T).  Grim Reaper, The                       89
 4(T).  Talking Deads, The                    89
 6.  Crippler, The                                   80
 7(T). Thanatos Therapeuticus               73
 7(T). Death By Creamy Liquid             73
 7(T). Return of Roger Mortis, The        73
10.  Mr. Black                                          59
11(T).  Serpent at the Gates of Wisdom   58
11(T).  Raszul: Messenger of Death         58
13(T).  You Die                                      46
13(T).  Oracle, The                                 46
15(T) .  BadAss Dan                               26

15(T).  Gravity Ripple                             26

15(T).  Miss of Death (RETIRED: KARMA)        had 26

15(T).  Rock N' Roll Suicide                   26

Tied at ZERO for the rest of ETERNITY

 19.  Kerberos                                       0  OUCH!
 19.  Shadow, The                                0  CLOSED OUT!

The LAST Last Roundup

Deathwatch 2010 draws to a close with a fizzle.  There have been several deaths that I have failed to catalog in the past couple months (e.g. Elizabeth Edwards, Jack LaLanne, etc.).  But the game ends tonight at midnight.  And then we'll wait a week to make sure there are no stragglers.  I'm going to update the scores tonight, but I don't think ANYONE is going to catch freshman sensation Irish Car Bomb.  Each of you should give your list a once-over and report any problems to me immediately!

You may have noticed that no renewal email has come out, and that's because I think DeathWatch has run its course for me.  I haven't been very good about writing up the stories recently.  And so it's time to move on.

Acknowledgements:
I wanted to first say thanks to Kerberos and BadAssDan for originating DeathWatch with me and for helping to keep DeathWatch running continuously since way back in 2000.  I also wanted to say a special thanks to The Shadow for picking up the slack for me when I was on vacation or just too freaking lazy to post something for the past several years.  To Roger Mortis and the crew out in Chi-town, it's been spectacular, guys, knowing that you were all out there reading my posts about Kirk Cameron!   All my peeps from the Classics, you have kept it fun!   Thanks to Deady Money for having a kick-ass name, and for breaking many of the deaths to me via text message over the years!  Death by Creamy Liquid:  thanks for having the worst name in the history of the game!

I'll be posting a farewell post, with some of your favorite moments in DeathWatch, so stay tuned!

Wishing a happy and death-free 2011 to you and yours!
Grim

P.S.  I sincerely hope, that even with this game coming to an end, that televangelists continue to die at an alarming rate.  --G.R.

Father Dowling's History

Sunday, Monday: Bosley's dead.
Tuesday, Wednesday: He's still dead.
Thursday, Friday:  Dead, dead, dead.
Saturday, there's decay, bury this bastard soon!

Veteran actor Tom Bosley passed away today at the age of 83.  Despite former castmate Henry Winkler's multiple resuscitation attempts (measured chest raps preceeded by kunckle blowing), Bosley was unable to be revived. It turns out that lung cancer is a little trickier to fix than a flaky jukebox.

The fatherly advice-dispensing "Mr. C." to an entire generation of Happy Days fans, Bosley labored heavily as straight man and moral compass to an entire cast of wannabe comedians.  In the years after Happy Days, Bosley would push his acting range to the limit, playing the titular role of Father Francis Dowling in the thriller The Father Dowling Mysteries.  Bosley, a Jewish man, once claimed that he considered dabbling in pederasty to help him prepare for his role as a crime-solving Catholic priest.  Show producers credited The Boz with the idea of giving Dowling a street-smart nun sidekick with a man's name.  The electric on-screen combination would turn out to be television gold.

As Bosley himself "goes upstairs," perhaps one of the greatest mysteries of life will finally be solved: what REALLY happened to his disappearing on-screen son, Chuck Cunningham?  On the topic of his on-screen family, Bosley's last words, spoken in a telephone interview this morning, were, "Erin Moran is batshit crazy."*

The consummate pitchman to the end, Bosley will fulfill his contract with Proctor & Gamble by having his remains interred in a puncture-proof 45-gallon Glad ForceFlex(TM) Contractor Bag.

No happy days for DeathWatchers as they were unable to predict Bosley's life "jumping the shark" this year.  Even with the help of Sister Steve, they still would have found themselves missing out on this 17 point clue.

*He may not have really said this. But seriously, she's crazy.  Like certifiable!

Spartacorpse

Gay? I don't fucking think so.

Why go with "Spartacorpse" as the headline to announce the death of movie icon Tony Curtis? 'Cause it's short, it's pithy and it just works, dammit.

Yeah, we could've used "Some Like It Dead." That might have been a good way to let folks know that the veteran actor died today at the age of 85. But it just wasn't good enough.

Sure. If you'd seen a headline that said, "Yonder Lies the Casket of My Fadder," you'd have gotten the message that Jamie Lee Curtis's old man had kicked it. But it might not have done a good enough job rousing images of Lawrence Olivier trying to do Curtis in the keister.

No, no. Spartacorpse is the only headline good enough for you, the players of DW2K10. Especially you, Crippler, the only player to score those 15 sweet, sweet points. Enjoy 'em.

Don't Let the Coffin Lid Hit You in the Ass on the Way Out

Adios, dickhead.

Congrats to Deady Money, You Die and The Oracle for their 20 point score.

Splendid American

Cartoonist Harvey Pekar died today at the age of 70. No DW2K10 players had him on their lists and he was far too awesome to make fun of. The latest shitty thing to happen to Cleveland.