NBC Cancels "Father Murphy" PERMANENTLY

NFL player-turned-actor Merlin Olsen died today at 69, from mesothelioma given to him by NBC's asbestos.  Nice work, NBC. As if getting rid of Conan didn't make you look bad enough.  At least Conan can come back on another network.

Look, Olsen was a stud: he knocked out 15 Hall of Fame seasons (14 of them All-Pro) without missing a game.  Retired and bored, Merlin figured, "I can handle a feeble 'acting' gig on Little House on the Prairie--how could THAT end in my eternal undoing?"   What were you doing, NBC?  Feeding the Little House cast insulation sandwiches with a side order of floor tile cobbler?   Or was the 'Prairie' really an abandoned nuclear waste disposal site?  Hope you like u235, Melissa Gilbert!   If you think it's a coincidence that Michael Landon is also hitchhiking his way up the Highway to Heaven, think again.

Let's review:  Merlin Olsen, AWESOME.  NBC: Shit-eating douches.

The Crippler and Irish Car Bomb both score 31 points. This is Irish Car Bomb's debut score in her first year with DeathWatch, so congratulations, ICB!  Leno blows juvenile goats.

Get Outta My Dreams (Get Into My Coffin)

Actor Corey Haim finally passed his 'dying test' this morning, after decades of practice overdoses finally prepared him for the real thing.  Haim and his seemingly interchangeable eight-time co-star, Corey Feldman, met on the set of Lost Boys.  They scored some blow, partied to True Hollywood Story proportions, and released a couple of other "comedies" in theaters before their fame started to wane.  There was no quit in these two, though.  And by 'no quit,' I mean that neither of them wanted to have to actually work for a living.  Haim and Feldman parlayed their brief celebrity into two decades of releasing quality straight-to-video productions like Blown Away and Last Resort.  In recent years, the substance-abusing friends tried to turn their spectacular failures in life into a success with the production of the now inappropriately-named reality series, The Two Coreys, which has to be seen to be properly appreciated (read: train wreck).


A grieving Corey Feldman (if you're scoring at home--he's the dark-haired one who's still alive), reflected on the duo's recipe for box office success, saying, "We thundered onto the scene and commanded attention.  We were all like, 'Check THIS out--we're two guys, we're both the same age, we're both Jewish Americans, we're both actors, AND to top it off, we're BOTH named Corey!'  I mean, it's hilarious before we've even said word one of the script!  See, you're laughing already!  Then there's the whole 'Which Corey is which' bit...Face it, we were fucking amazing."

No Deathwatchers picked either of The Two Coreys, and missed out a juicy 62 points.  It's weird, because much like the punchline to any Haim/Feldman joke, who DIDN'T see this coming?