What You Talkin' 'Bout, Reaper?

Former child star and walking cautionary tale Gary Coleman has died at the age of 42, apparently of shame after one embarrassing TMZ headline after another. Seriously, after a joke campaign for governor of California, an arrest for, let's say, felonious has-beenery and all the other pathetic reasons the former Arnold Drummond has been thrust into the tabloid spotlight over the last decade, I'd say Mr. Coleman deserves this rest. But, just for shits and giggles, let's send a few zingers into the after-life with him.

• Gary Coleman, whose life was as short...as Gary Coleman.
• The Diff'rent Strokes curse has detractors of Charlotte Rae feverishly excited.
  
• A family spokesperson says that Mr. Coleman will be buried in a shoebox out back.
• Mr. Coleman's death, it is being reported, was actually a misguided effort to jumpstart a sequel to The Heavenly Kid.
• A source at the funeral home confirms that Todd Bridges will be killed and buried with Mr. Coleman.

Mr. Coleman's death nets 58 glorious points for Wednesday, Raszul, Messenger of Death, Irish Car Bomb and Serpent at the Gates of Wisdom.

"Billy, do you like it when Scraps grabs onto the outside of your coffin and rubs up and down real hard?"

Actor Peter Graves died last week at age 83.

I'm gonna be honest here, I blew my load on the headline.

No DW2K10er had the former Jim Phelps, so those 17 points go unclaimed. This post will self-destruct in ten seconds.

Believe It Or Not, I'm Falling Down Stairs

  

Veteran actor Robert Culp apparently did not own a LifeCall system, as he fell, and then never got up.

Culp was famous to a lot of our readers' parents as Kelly Robinson, the half of the 1960s  I Die I Spy duo that wasn't Bill Cosby. To most DeathWatchers, though, Culp was known as the tough-as-nails FBI Agent Bill Maxwell on the cult classic television series The Greatest American Hero.

Yes, looking back, Culp's co-star, William Katt, looks like a ridiculous jackass with his stupid hair and his impossibly feeble physique.  But the retrospective isn't all bad--my man Culp was a timeless badass.  The kind of guy who it would take an army to bring down.  The kind of guy who wouldn't go down without a--tripping...in...his...home...*sigh*

No DeathWatchers predicted the accidental passing of the 5-times-married 79-year-old.

NBC Cancels "Father Murphy" PERMANENTLY

NFL player-turned-actor Merlin Olsen died today at 69, from mesothelioma given to him by NBC's asbestos.  Nice work, NBC. As if getting rid of Conan didn't make you look bad enough.  At least Conan can come back on another network.

Look, Olsen was a stud: he knocked out 15 Hall of Fame seasons (14 of them All-Pro) without missing a game.  Retired and bored, Merlin figured, "I can handle a feeble 'acting' gig on Little House on the Prairie--how could THAT end in my eternal undoing?"   What were you doing, NBC?  Feeding the Little House cast insulation sandwiches with a side order of floor tile cobbler?   Or was the 'Prairie' really an abandoned nuclear waste disposal site?  Hope you like u235, Melissa Gilbert!   If you think it's a coincidence that Michael Landon is also hitchhiking his way up the Highway to Heaven, think again.

Let's review:  Merlin Olsen, AWESOME.  NBC: Shit-eating douches.

The Crippler and Irish Car Bomb both score 31 points. This is Irish Car Bomb's debut score in her first year with DeathWatch, so congratulations, ICB!  Leno blows juvenile goats.

Get Outta My Dreams (Get Into My Coffin)

Actor Corey Haim finally passed his 'dying test' this morning, after decades of practice overdoses finally prepared him for the real thing.  Haim and his seemingly interchangeable eight-time co-star, Corey Feldman, met on the set of Lost Boys.  They scored some blow, partied to True Hollywood Story proportions, and released a couple of other "comedies" in theaters before their fame started to wane.  There was no quit in these two, though.  And by 'no quit,' I mean that neither of them wanted to have to actually work for a living.  Haim and Feldman parlayed their brief celebrity into two decades of releasing quality straight-to-video productions like Blown Away and Last Resort.  In recent years, the substance-abusing friends tried to turn their spectacular failures in life into a success with the production of the now inappropriately-named reality series, The Two Coreys, which has to be seen to be properly appreciated (read: train wreck).


A grieving Corey Feldman (if you're scoring at home--he's the dark-haired one who's still alive), reflected on the duo's recipe for box office success, saying, "We thundered onto the scene and commanded attention.  We were all like, 'Check THIS out--we're two guys, we're both the same age, we're both Jewish Americans, we're both actors, AND to top it off, we're BOTH named Corey!'  I mean, it's hilarious before we've even said word one of the script!  See, you're laughing already!  Then there's the whole 'Which Corey is which' bit...Face it, we were fucking amazing."

No Deathwatchers picked either of The Two Coreys, and missed out a juicy 62 points.  It's weird, because much like the punchline to any Haim/Feldman joke, who DIDN'T see this coming?

She's a Little Bit Country, He's a Little Bit "Drop and Roll."

OK, so Marie Osmond's son Michael isn't quite famous enough to have been picked for DW2010, but if he were, he'd have been worth 164 points for jumping off of his downtown Los Angeles apartment building. It's probably cruel to point this out, but we've all learned an important lesson: Magic Underwear is apparently not made of Flubber.

Kirk Cameron Despondent: "Boner in Jesus' Hands Now"

Kirk Cameron prayed as hard as he could this week, but still lost his Boner. Despite hours of thoughtful prayer to his alleged Almighty Creator, Cameron's Boner was found limp in a Vancouver park last week, though at this point, he is certainly stiff once again.

Troubled actor Andrew Koenig, who played Richard "Boner" Stabone on the 1980s sitcom Growing Pains committed suicide last week at the age of 41. Koenig's character was the best friend and partner-in-crime to Cameron's character, the happy-go-lucky troublemaker heartthrob, Mike Seaver. During production, the two became friends off-camera.

Cameron, when reached for comment, was distraught over losing his Boner, especially to suicide, which all good Born-Agains know means an eternity condemned to Hell. Kirk realized that a line had been crossed. "I had to put Jesus in front my Boner, it was the only position I was comfortable with," said Cameron, referring to prioritizing his relationship with the Lord. Cameron finally came--to the conclusion he could try to have it both ways: "It was hard, so I prayed, and Jesus finally welcomed my Boner into his warm embrace. I can almost feel Jesus tenderly stroking Boner right now, and telling him it will be O.K." Immediately following his statement, Cameron excused himself and sprinted to the nearest restroom, where he violently masturbated all over the book of Acts.

What made this loss even more tragic was that no DeathWatchers managed to pump this Boner for his 118 points.

 No holier-than-thou Christians were harmed in the writing of this post about a deceased Jewish actor.

(Apparently "boner" is a slang term for an erect penis. --Ed.)